How to Advocate for your Parents to Move to a Senior Community
Many adult children would like to see their parents settled in a senior living community, but struggle to get their parents on board. There’s a lot of emotion packed into a transition like this, which means it may be a long, sometimes frustrating process.
I’ll say up front that I am not a social worker, but over the years I’ve seen a number of families go through this process, and there are many common obstacles adult children face.
How do you bring it up?
Though you might think some of your parents’ behaviors are edging toward dangerous, no one wants to be told that. Telling your parents that they can no longer do something on their own is the surest way to make them dig in.
So ease into the conversation and start out by asking questions without being obvious.
Instead of saying, “Mom, you’re very shaky on the stairs. You’re a fall risk,” you might ask, “How easy is it for you to climb the stairs these days? Is going up easier than going down?”
If they acknowledge on their own that they are having some difficulties, that puts them in a better mental place to think about the possibility of moving to a senior community.
I have a variety of different conversation starters in this post.
What kind of timeline should I expect?
The last thing you want is a situation in which you have to force a parent to make a sudden move because they can no longer care for themselves.
While many seniors seem determined to stay in their homes as long as possible, they will get the most out of a senior community if they move in their 70s or early 80s. That gives them time to enjoy the great benefits and activities that a senior community offers, as well as an opportunity to make connections so that it truly becomes a supportive community for them.
With that in mind, it’s a good idea to start having these conversations sooner than later because it may take years to nudge your parents along.
You may also find that one parent is more open to the idea than the other. In fact, my father-in-law was ready to make a move about five years before my mother in-law was. If that happens, you don’t want to bully the unwilling parent, but you can work together with the willing parent to advocate for a transition.
What if my parents are stuck on the loss of living space?
Many adult children express concerns about their parents staying in their childhood home, but the idea of leaving a spacious house for a one-bedroom apartment is daunting to many seniors. I’ve heard a number of seniors object to the idea of “living in a dorm,” even if that would be the safest thing for them. To be honest, many senior living facilities in the DC area look more like 5-star hotels!
If loss of space is one of your parents’ objections, you might point out that many communities have libraries, game rooms, dining rooms, or even gardening plots they can take advantage of. It’s true they will have less personal living space, but that also means there’s less for them to take care of and maintain. And most communities offer a weekly cleaning service as part of the monthly fee.
What if my parents don’t want to give up their stuff?
There are a lot of emotions tied to our stuff, so despite the fact that every senior in a community has gone through the same process, your parents may indicate that they are different and can’t possibly give up all their stuff.
From the outside, you may be thinking that none of the stuff is terribly important. After all, does your mom really need boxes of decorations for every holiday or season? Probably not, but it doesn’t help to make comments that diminish the emotional value of the stuff. It may be that your mom sees herself as a homemaker or hostess so having all the stuff and keeping up with the changing decor is part of her identity. She may be feeling that if she gives up her stuff, she’s giving up the role she’s served for decades.
All of that makes dealing with possessions a subject that needs to be approached with compassion and patience.
One tip is to go through the house with your parents, and take pictures and videos of their things. Ask your mom to pull out some of her favorite decorations and tell you the memories she has around it. Honoring the importance of different items may help ease the transition of letting it go.
Chances are you’ll actually enjoy the stories you learn along the way, and what started as a source of frustration may actually deepen your relationship with your parents.
What if they balk at how expensive a senior community is?
Your parents may argue that it doesn’t make financial sense to move to a senior community. That’s both right and wrong.
Initially, it will be more expensive, especially if they are healthy and active. But in the long run, there will be tremendous financial savings because everyone is going to need care at some point. Depending on the type of community you move to, your care may be taken care of.
It may seem expensive to spend $6,000 a month on a senior community, but the average cost of a nursing home is $12,000 a month, and the cost of 24-hour in-home care is $20,000 per month.
Even if your parents are relatively healthy and don’t need a nursing home or in-home care, in a senior community someone cooks and serves delicious food, cleans the apartment, they don’t pay property taxes or have to fix the water heater. And they have people all around them so hopefully they will be less lonely. If they move in as a couple and one of them dies, the remaining spouse will have a community of friends and staff to support him or her.
Pointing out the potential costs of not moving into a senior community, coupled with all the benefits a community can offer, may make the investment more palatable.
Ultimately, your parents are going to do what they’re going to do. No matter how many benefits you may see with a senior community, they need to be the ones to make the decision. You can nudge them along, but you must remember to do so with compassion and avoid making them feel like you are telling them what to do.
If it would be helpful to talk through your family situation and get some pointers on how to support your parents, consider taking advantage of our Financial Caregiver Action Plans.