Are Your Loved One’s ‘Mild’ Memory Issues Truly Mild?

Holidays are a good time to talk about health, memory and financial issues.

Most of us prefer to believe our parents are competent and keeping on top of their finances and health. If we see memory glitches, we hope they are just temporary. We see a loved one or friend lose track of an appointment, car keys or forget a specific word and we think to ourselves, “I do the same thing. Who doesn’t? It’s not a big deal.” And usually it isn’t. But how do you know?

We once worked with a client whose family and friends were just starting to be concerned that he wasn’t answering the phone and he was buying a lot of merchandise on QVC. He lived alone and they wanted a money manager to watch over his bill paying.

We quickly learned he was having trouble figuring out how to answer his phone and return his missed calls. His TV was stuck on QVC because he could no longer work the remote and he was ordering supplies for some big party he planned to throw. He also described taking many ‘scenic detours’ while driving home from the grocery store. It turns out he was getting lost. A cursory check of his medications revealed an empty bottle of his dog’s medicine in the master bathroom, and bottles of important medications that were coated with a layer of dust. We urged the family to take him to the doctor and call ahead with their concerns.

The family members were astonished when a doctor diagnosed their father with severe dementia. He didn’t even know the current president - despite being a life-long political junkie. When asked about politics, he had been saying things like, “That new guy is interesting.” He had been participating in the discussions with upbeat – but vague – comments. They had missed the subtle clues. Probably for a few years.

How do you avoid missing the subtle clues?

One of the best strategies to keep an eye on a loved one’s memory is to be genuinely interested in how they spend their time. Really listening can give you many clues about how they are doing.

When you ask questions about their life, do they give you real answers? Specific answers?

People with memory issues often give vague answers to questions about what they have been up to lately. They might say, “You know, … this and that, … the usual stuff.”  See if you can learn any specifics. Did you go to lunch with your friends this week? Where did you go? Who was there? Don’t grill them – be interested and have a conversation.

Sometimes a person with memory issues will mask their poor memory by making things up. It is called confabulating. It looks like lying, but it isn’t. It is a story their brain makes up to fill gaps.

Sometimes the stories they make up are plausible. When asked why they aren’t attending a club meeting that they used to enjoy, they could make up an excuse that it is being run poorly now or the time changed. If there is something missing from the house, the story could involve loaning it to somebody or it could involve burglars who only stole the screwdrivers. Often, the story won’t quite make sense but challenging them won’t change the story - because they are not lying. And once a story is created, it feels like the truth. It becomes their truth. Arguing with them is counterproductive.

People with poor memories often change the subject if they can’t answer a question. They may say they are no longer interested in a topic or activity. That activity might be something they can’t participate in anymore due to memory issues. Or they may not remember doing the activity and can’t give you an answer.

Not all memory problems are Alzheimer’s or dementia. Some memory issues can be improved or cured. As people get older, medication doses may need to be changed and some medicines may need to be replaced or discontinued. Dehydration can cause memory and cognitive issues. Depression symptoms look a lot like dementia. Malnutrition can play a role. Even a urinary tract infection in an older person can affect cognition. Your loved one’s doctor should explore these types of issues first.

Happy Holidays. And remember to enjoy the conversations you have with your loved ones.