Use the holidays as a reason to have deeper conversations
Please consider a holiday tradition of talking openly to your loved one about their health, memory and finances. Start the conversations early - long before your loved one needs help. Doing so every year - in a respectful way - can make conversations easier if your loved one starts to decline.
If you have siblings, it might be best to designate one sibling to have this conversation privately with your parents. This person should be the one who has the least confrontational relationship with your parents, rather than the one who has the most medical or financial knowledge. It is a conversation, not an interrogation. It is about building rapport and approaching issues that can be fraught with emotion.
The first conversations may be too early to start problem solving. Your loved one first needs to know that you understand how they feel before you start trying to make significant changes. It might be okay to offer small suggestions, but making large changes right away can cause more stress and destroy the rapport. Try to focus on your love one’s strengths, not their deficits.
Conversation Starters
Below are ideas on how to broach sensitive topics and what the answers can reveal. Think carefully about the specific words you use. You must be genuine and not just grilling them for answers. It should be a conversation. If you know and are interested in their life, you will be more able to spot memory or cognitive issues.
Social Life
Do you still belong to that club/group? Are they still meeting at the same time? How are you getting there? What is the group working on? Is your friend still participating? Is membership changing?
Can they tell you any specifics about the group and the participants? Are they limiting their activities due to lack of interest or an inability to follow conversations? Could depression or hearing loss be causing a lack of interest? Is a simple time change or location change too much for them to cope with?
Asking about friends can give you a lot of information. Do they remember why somebody isn’t coming anymore? Is there somebody they have been avoiding – perhaps because that friend is aware of their memory issues? If you have some contact with their friends, they have the ability to let you know when things aren’t going well.
If the person used to be social, they probably still have the need to be around people. It is worth investing significant effort so they can enjoy being social.
Driving
The best plan is to start driving with your parents every time you visit. This lets you see problems before they become severe. You can also ask questions. (Not while driving!) How is your car behaving? While I’m here in town, should we take it in for a tune up? How do you like that new traffic circle/off ramp/road? What grocery store are you using now that your favorite moved/closed/changed? Maybe we can try a grocery delivery service while I’m here and see if they are good. Let’s try a ride service while I’m here just so we can learn how to use them if you need to go anywhere at night or in an emergency. Over the holiday, do you want to visit somebody who isn’t getting out?
Listen to the answers. Getting lost when the roads or the destination first change isn’t alarming. However, if they are still getting lost weeks after a change in the routine, that is more worrisome. A worsening sense of direction can also be an early clue to cognitive issues. Are they limiting their activities to avoid driving at night or busy traffic?
Grocery shopping together can tell you a lot about whether they can still think on their feet and find their way around.
Electronics
Some of the cable companies are issuing new remote controls. They are hard to get the hang of. Is yours working okay? Is it time to change the batteries? Do you need a cheat sheet of the channels you like?
Listen to the answers. Many adults have never felt competent using remote controls, but slipping skills in this area can be an early sign of memory issues. Have they been unable to access channels or movies they normally watch? Have they had the cable TV technician out because they didn’t think it was working right? Are they confused about the various remotes?
You may be able to get a universal remote that controls all the machines. (Amazon has reviews that tell you more.)
There are many practical strategies such as colored labels, a channel cheat sheet, etc. that you can try. If your parent refers to the DVD player as a Disk Player, use the words Disk Player on the label.
Use an organizer for the remotes. If they still go missing, you can put trackers on them. The trackers are designed to help you find objects like car keys, phones and remotes. They work like the chirper that helps you find your car in a parking lot. Look for the brands Chipolo or Tile.
Phones
My cell phone did an update and all of a sudden, things weren’t on the home screen that I need. Is yours doing the same thing? Is the ringer still loud enough? Should we go through your apps and get rid of any you don’t use? Do you have enough pictures of the grandchildren/dogs on your phone? Let’s get my work number and your neighbor’s number updated in your phone. Do you use the ICE (In Case of Emergency) prefix on your emergency contacts? Who do you want designated?
Answering a phone is pretty easy, but is your loved one still able to dial? Check the weather? Set an alarm? Pull up photos?
Ask before checking the call and text records. Think about how you will handle it if you discover many calls to or from a number you don’t recognize. Your parent could have a sweetie who you aren’t aware of or they could be actively involved with a scammer. Don’t violate their privacy – they may shut you out completely.
Senior centers often have high school students volunteer to work with seniors to get their electronics working right.
Scams
Our phone rings off the hook with bogus calls. Have you been getting calls on your home phone from scammers asking for personal information? Have you heard about the new scam where you get a text from somebody claiming to be your grandchild who needs money to get out of some trouble and they don’t want their parents to know about? What about emails pretending to be your bank or credit card company?
One of the main reasons that seniors answer calls from scammers and donation centers is that they are lonely. They want somebody to talk to. They may need a phone pal. And they were also taught that it is rude to not answer a phone that is ringing or to hang up when they realize they aren’t interested. They may need practice hanging up without even saying “no.” Did you know that autodialers only put the call through to a human when you say “hello” the second time? Suggest that seniors only say “hello” once. If there is no answer from a human, it is a robot dialer. Just hang up.
Consider turning off the ringer to the home phone. Keep one by the bedside that is only for outgoing emergency calls. Some people get rid of their home phones completely as cell phones are better at screening out spammers.
You may want to subscribe to AARP’s Fraud Watch Alerts so you will pick up clues when your parents talk about having a new phone friend or investment opportunity.
Bills and Finances
Are you keeping up with all the mail, bills, etc? Can you show me the system you use for bills waiting to be paid? Can we make a list of the bills and what day they are due so you will see if any get misplaced? Would you like to have somebody sit with you when you pay the bills every month? It is often easier to have one person read the charges on the bill and another person write the checks. It will go faster with help. Can we put a freeze on your credit so nobody can open any cards in your name? That is a common scam. How about putting the bank on alert to notify you of any unusual activity?
Listen to the answers. Look at the piles. They might be neat, but are they logical? Is it time to label the piles? Or find small boxes so the piles don’t tip over? Paid bills should be clearly marked paid and in a different pile.
How much are they willing to share about the amounts of money they have and how much are they willing to share about the process of managing it? Are they being secretive about one but not the other? Can you figure out what that fear is about?
These are tasks that Everyday Money Management can help with. Call us at (301) 801-2294. If you are not in the metropolitan Washington DC, your bank or financial advisor can recommend a certified Daily Money Manager or you can search the Association of Daily Money Managers.
Legal documents
Do you have any legal documents like a Power of Attorney? Who did you designate and why? Where are the papers located? Hopefully, you can say that you have these papers yourself - there is no such thing as being too young to get your wishes in writing! You can start this conversation with sharing your decisions and the location of your own papers.
Having copies of any documents is good, but having a discussion about what they contain, and why, is just as helpful. If there are family members who might disagree with any wishes, would it make sense to record a video that explains why they made the decision? There are phone apps that can hold advanced directives and videos.
Something important to your loved one
Pick a topic that is important to your loved one and ask a question that can’t be answered with just a few words. What do you think about the last election? How do you like the new minister? Have they had any interesting programs at the senior center lately? How are the neighbors doing? Do you have tickets to any good concerts or plays?
Again, you are looking for real answers, not vague statements. And you are showing you care.
NOT all memory problems are permanent
Remember, Alzheimer’s and dementia are not the only reasons for memory and cognitive problems. Sometimes memory issues can be improved or cured. As you get older, medication doses may need to be changed and some medicines may need to be replaced or discontinued. Dehydration is a significant contributor to memory and cognitive issues. Depression symptoms look a lot like dementia. Malnutrition can play a role. Even a urinary tract infection can cause changes in cognition.
Stress can also make any memory issues worse. The conversations above can help you gain insight into what things might be stressful to your loved one.
Happy Holidays. And remember to enjoy the conversations you have with your loved ones.